my friend told me over lunch the other day
that you get a better understand of yourself
and all of the little confusing things of your past
comes more in a clear sense in your early 20’s

its been quite true, in my late teens i was quite
confused about couple things
like
still im abit confused but slowly
i am getting a broader view of what actually
happened of things that i have, and what things actually are

and moved on, no hate, no self pity, forgive and forget
i am in heaven and im in hell
alot of the times, this kind of job, damages people.
but for me,
ironically it gave me time to thik about myself alot. (since all the wait and things)
i told myself, from beginning to spend time nicely, spend time wisely.
also fame, comes and goes.
i just wanted to go away.

i grew up with alot of things.
but i have nothing to go back to.
im not korea, im not english, im not singaporean, im not european.
im not american.
no hometown to be stuck to.
i wonder. where is my home.
even before this job, i was always wondering.
i was such a lonely child
now my friend comfort me by telling me,
that i can make my own new home now, as i am free.

i am in heaven i am in hell,

☆★☆★☆

to be honest, living in paris was fun
but also very very depressing

i was used to getting anything i want at anytime
since i was  young

i used to get very upset or agressive or simply
did not understand WHY sometimes i cant get what i want

and now i realised, things dont work like that

in europe… almost more than 50% of chance
it wont work out like you want, and people will be retarded about things
and if you stress about it
only you will suffer

i knew the theory always but then its hard to accept it,
and i told myself before im 25, i will force myself to suffer abit in abroad
to develop myself, cos i feel like when i get back home ppl treat me like a princess
and i keep getting super spoiled…n alot of weird ppl so…i become caught up
its better in korea i can focus on the emotional complexity of life
its abit entertaining to deal with psycho people …
… it kills time.

its still a constant battle between my old friends telling me
“Uve become so tough poor you! means u suffered”
“its so un nessasory you learn these things you are gonna come back anyway”
but im sure there is a way to become strong without being tough…

ive been very happy recently. and im learning how to not be tough but strong.
i lived a fast life and i wanted to end it as quick as possible
and now days i feel like… everyday is kind of precious to me

☆★☆★☆ 

who doesnt.
i think that was like 2003, when i was like okay
im gonna be a slutty gucci girl. instead, i took a detour and became
a cosmic wonder tomboy then dressed like a 40 yr old hardcore feminist lesbian architect (means comme des garcon + yohji) then
became a bernhard wilhelm mushroom crackhead,
went through fur phase, 
lost all my clothes to my ex boyfriend
and went somewhere with prints and
returned to… dont need so much clothes but i kinda like wearing heels

☆★☆★☆

eversince i was like born
my mother said i never ever slept

i think its seasonal cos
sometimes i’ll sleep 20 hrs
and sometimes i wont sleep for days and
days and days. (my friends call this
vicious cycle)

i always get the “middle of the night
voodoo dreams” which practically
my roomates told me that id scream/ choke
in the middle of the night.
and i talk about some weird shit
or swear like mad crazy

but i dont remember anything
except for certain scenes in my
“dream” or themes or colour 

but then in my dreams i see this…
magnificiant … so groggyy and twisted
and scary to the point that its dizzy and
beautiful visions which truely deeply
inspires me and gives me this spin in the head
the slight taste of euphoria
and ultimate rawness
so thank you whoever voodooing me

pain is love.

☆★☆★☆